INAUDIBLE
Listen, I've just had an idea. Why don't we slow march for a while?
You call that an idea?
It seems ages since I've done a slow march.
It's very relaxing is a slow march.
Oh, I bet that feels better(!)
Eh-up...
that's Howard.
What's he up to?
Oh...
Actually...Howard's not a bad chap when you get to know him.
That's a change. You've always thought he was a dillup.
A point of view that's always struck me as entirely reasonable.
Well, that was before I realised we had interests in common...
jungle infantry tactics.
He's interested in jungle infantry tactics?! Very. You'd be surprised.
But he does crosswords and paints by numbers.
I don't think it's enough any more.
Listen, he's got Marina. She's enough!
GLASS SMASHES
And don't come back!
A benison on your house, innkeeper.
Well met there.
Can you deny the hand of fate has clearly thrown us together?
That weren't fate, mate, that were the landlord.
Merely a tool in the service of our larger destiny.
Lieutenant Commander Willoughby, Royal Navy, retired.
Would any of you gentlemen... by any chance...
be interested in making... large amounts of money?
How much?
How? I bet this is gonna be good(!)
Buried treasure.
An enormous hoard lying there for centuries.
Where's he gonna find a muffin that's going to believe that?!
Just to satisfy an intellectual curiosity...WHAT buried treasure?
I'm glad you asked that.
Captain Clutterbuck's treasure!
You've heard of it? Well, not till you just said it.
I've never heard of it. No-one has. Well, it's a good job, isn't it?!
Fate! Otherwise some unscrupulous rogue would have been away with it.
Captain Clutterbuck kept tight security, so that's in his favour.
Who WAS Captain Clutterbuck?
He was a pirate.
A famous YORKSHIRE pirate.
A lot of pirating went off in Yorkshire, did it(?)
He didn't do it HERE.
He was a pirate on the Spanish Main.
I've 'eard of the Barnsley main.
Well, maybe that's it. Maybe he was a pirate on the Barnsley Main(!)
There's a certain sense of rural humour hereabouts! Oh, ignore them.
But why have we never heard of Captain Clutterbuck if he was a famous pirate?
Because he was a SUCCESSFUL pirate.
How long would you be a pirate if you didn't keep a low profile?
Yes, sounds reasonable. It's rubbish. I love it. What's this treasure, then?
It would be better discussed over a drink.
Not here, for I seem to be persona non grata in this establishment.
Why IS that?
I was merely trying to raise funds for the expedition. What expedition?
To recover the treasure.
You know where it is, then?
Of course I know where it is.
I have a map.
Not here.
No, no. Let's have a bit of security about it -
find a quiet corner in another pub.
He's falling for it.
Captain Clutterbuck's treasure! I like it.
DOOR OPENS
Ah. Good morning, dear lady.
I'll have tea - Earl Grey.
And perhaps a little scrambled egg on toast.
Where did you find him? Ah! It was fate.
Somebody threw him at us as we passed. Ask a silly question!
Is tha going to buy him breakfast?
I'M not going to buy him breakfast, WE are going to buy him breakfast.
Think of it as an investment. Think of it as throwing your money away.
And possibly a few grilled mushrooms.
No wonder they threw him out of the pub!
Well? Does he get mushrooms or not?!
Oh, yeah, give him some mushrooms.
You should find a few more like 'im.
I'll have the same. You have nothing to offer in return.
Listen, if it's buried treasure, there'll be some digging to be done.
But what about your back?!
The work-allergic back that's kept you safe from manual labour all these years!
Norman, it's buried treasure!
I think the back'll be all right.
Treasure! These breakfasts are strictly cash.
Will you keep your voice down?
From now on I'm imposing a strict security blackout on this operation.
When you said you liked doing things together, I never dreamed you meant digging holes.
It's something I learned from Foggy Dewhurst. You'll like it when it's finished.
Just imagine...
our own hole!
Let's see, then.
I can't do that! If I show you the map you'll know as much as I do.
On the other hand... you bought me breakfast.
And common courtesy demands I give you the opportunity to BUY the map.
They're a terrible lot round here for parting with coin of the realm.
You ought to try running a business 'ere...it's like pulling teeth!
How much?
Oh, we can negotiate. I'm always reasonable after a good breakfast.
Come on, lads.
It's a con!
It's not the money, it's history. We owe it to the memory of Captain Clutterbuck, Yorkshire pirate.
Have you paid a gas bill lately(?)
How come we've never 'eard of this Captain Clutterbuck, eh?
I told you, he was successful. You don't hear about the successful ones.
You only hear about the ones they hang.
I find that convincing.
I'm sorry. Don't think I'm being picky, but...
I can't believe in a pirate called Clutterbuck.
What was his first name? Ronald.
There you go, then.
Yes, well, you can't read too much into that.
I mean, after all, Francis Drake could have been a woman.
I always thought he were.
A pirate didn't go about calling himself Ronald.
I bet the ship's crew were relieved(!)
He called himself Black Jack.
Black Jack Clutterbuck.
Yes, well, that has an authentic ring.
He came from Hebden Bridge.
Well, you must admit a lot of pirates come from Hebden Bridge(!)
Can we get down to some detail? I mean, is the treasure...round here?
Oh, yes.
But you'll need the map.
I speak for my colleagues when I say we'd like to LOOK at the map.
..Just a corner.
Yeah, agreed. Just a corner.
Yes, well, it-it looks authentic.
It's a photocopy.
There's probably a sound reason for that.
I see.
Black Jack Clutterbuck, not only the scourge of the Spanish Main,
but the inventor of the first photocopier(!)
Now pay attention, it's perfectly simple.
When a customer comes in, you pretend you're another customer.
How do I do that?
You just browse around.
Oh! You wander round like a customer. You can browse, can't you?
I expect I can browse, yeah.
But you're really keeping an eye on the customer I'm serving.
I have to browse AND keep an eye on the customer you're serving?
You've got two eyes. But they both usually point the same way.
But not the same way as your brain!
Now pay attention. If the customer starts hesitating about buying whatever I'm trying to sell him -
and they do, you'd be amazed how some people try to hesitate about buying -
THAT'S where you come in.
There's more?!
This is the main part. I haven't got THREE eyes!
You pretend to notice the thing I'm trying to sell.
So you interrupt me, and you say,
"Stop! Don't sell that. I need it for a rich American."
I don't know any rich Americans.
Let's just keep that our secret. I won't tell if you won't.
So, you take it from the customer. Take what?
Whatever it is I'm trying to sell him.
You hold it up and look at it. I knew it! That's at least three eyes.
Look at it with reverence. I know you can do reverence, I've seen you part with a £5 note.
Not very often, mind you.
Look at it and tell the customer how rich Americans go mad for items like that.
Ooooh! Oooh!
I had to make a photocopy, the original was too fragile.
An historical artefact needs to be cherished.
I live next door to a bird like that.
Think what you could buy her if we found the treasure. Wait a minute.
How many copies of this map has he sold?
How many HAVE you sold?
You'll be pleased to hear, none. THIS is the only copy.
So what was tha selling in the pub? And how come tha got thrown out?
That is not a question one gentleman asks another.
You're a man of discretion, sir. Hah-hah-hah.
I feel I can confess to you...
..it was some slight miscalculation with the barmaid's leg. Hah? Hah? Hah-hah-hah.
The damned thing wouldn't let go of my hand.
SMARMY LAUGH
There's this small voice that keeps saying,
"Why aren't YOU looking for the treasure?"
Ignore it. I can explain.
I have this weak heart.
Weak heart!
Yes. I'm afraid my life these days is circumscribed by the palpitations of a faulty ticker.
Of course, I have the satisfaction of knowing I overstrained it in the service of humanity.
But you can understand why I couldn't risk hunting for treasure - I couldn't stand the excitement.
What about the barmaid?
It wasn't like that.
The good woman merely reminded me of the lady...
who was once...
my wife.
PRREEUGH!
Aah!
How much are you asking for the map?
Er, steady on, Foggy, I owe a fine at the library!
You know, you chaps have been more than kind.
I feel that you would spend the wealth...sensibly.
Very well! I'll charge you just enough to cover my expenses, huh?
How do you feel about £1,000?
All right, I can see how you feel.
All right.
How much?
Thirty.
Well, that's a bit of a drop from... Done!
I think we have been.
COUGH, COUGH
HOWARD: What is it, love? MARINA: This dust, Howard. HOWARD: Oh!
HOWARD: I'll let some air in. MARINA: That's a good idea.
TRING, TRING
I think we've really cracked it this time!
I learnt how do this from Foggy Dewhurst.
We needn't just have one. We'll make sniper trenches wherever we like!
We could have a string of these!
I can hardly wait, Howard(!)
What are we doing here? Isn't one pirate enough?
We have to hire a metal detector. It'll be expensive.
It doesn't matter now we know where the treasure is. Oh! Big spender(!)
Don't look in her eyes! Whatever you do, don't look in her...eyes.
Here it is, good as new. How long do you want it for?
Well, er... I-I think a day should do. It comes cheaper by the week.
No, a day will do. You can't help some people.
NO! No, you can't take that! I need it for some rich Americans.
Ooh! They're not buying, they're hiring.
Oooh!
Oh, I'll never get the hang of this!
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Captain Clutterbuck's treasure?!
I was there. I saw it all.
^ No wonder security's his watchword.
They get dafter!
Yorkshire pirate?! ARE there any Yorkshire pirates?
Well, your Barry works for a building society!
^ They believed it and bought the map?
Thirty pounds! Ooh! They'll believe anything.
Especially if it's dyed blonde!
My Barry doesn't believe anything. Well, he wouldn't.
But your father used to think he could walk in the house with his oily boots on.
What I can't believe about those three is WHO had £30?
Foggy Dewhurst went to the cash dispenser.
Ye, gods! I bet he approached it as if it was liable to bite.
ENGINE CHUGGS
BANG!
ENGINE STOPS
Oooh! Whatever it is, the answer's no. I'm busy.
What? Too busy to find a fortune?
To transform your life? To be able to afford a non-smoking engine?
What fortune?
Captain Clutterbuck's treasure.
They all do that. Have you noticed?
You mention Captain Clutterbuck's treasure and they all do that.
Foggy's not laughing. He's just spent £30!
They'll be laughing when we find it.
We need your Land Rover, to carry it back.
This I've got to see. Who was Captain Clutterbuck?
BLACK JACK CLUTTERBUCK!
The scourge of the Spanish Main!
Captain Clutterbuck's treasure!
Just keep your eyes on the road.
Turn right here.
Are you sure about this? Just keep driving, will you?
Who'd want to bury anything way out 'ere?
Unless it was Mrs Clutterbuck!
Well, it's obvious he'd want to bury it somewhere quiet, isn't it?
Cheer up. When we get to the end of this, he'll probably make us dig.
Ooh! No digging for me, not with my back.
Phwooaah! My back!
Dig!
And what are we digging for?
An old Land Rover!
Captain Clutterbuck's treasure turns out to be a tatty old Land Rover!
She might be old, but she's a good girl.
Aye. Well, it looks like she's been led astray!
I never realised you were getting so hot and flustered.
Don't fight it, Howard, it might grow on you.
You stay here, love. I'll go and find us some refreshments.
Right. We'll park here, Wesley - under cover.
From now on, security is our watchword.
Where are you two going? We've got to hide the vehicle first.
Hide it?! Certainly hide it!
From now on, security is of the utmost importance.
Aaaggh! Watch it!
Yes, that's better.
Yes, it's really rather good.
I just hope we can find 'er again!
I could stay and guard it. You're coming to dig.
Oh-ho-ho! It's all go, this piracy, isn't it? You don't get a minute.
Can we go now? ..And quietly.
Don't think because we're far from anywhere, security's unimportant.
I chose here carefully. It's why I read the map.
I wanted to find somewhere to park miles away from anyone and anywhere.
There's a road! We could have come by road.
If this thing's so top secret, what are these cars doing 'ere?
..Coincidence.
What? Out here in the country?
People DO come out into the country.
Of course they do.
For fresh air. For peace and quiet.
..And for killing things.
What does it matter WHAT they're doing?
We know they're NOT looking for Captain Clutterbuck's treasure because WE have got the map.
The swine! He sold more than one map!
PANTING
Gentlemen, this is no time for distrust.
It's hurtful to my honour as a naval officer...retired, DSO, RN, Queen's Medal for Bravery.
I am impressed with your single-mindedness, so am prepared to negotiate a generous discount.
I find it hard to believe that shrewd businessmen of your calibre
can think that the £10 you paid for your map is in any way extortionate.
Ten quid?! We've been done!
By an expert.
I want you to promise me one thing -
you'll never, never let me near that cash dispenser again.
CRASH!
Ooooh!
Everywhere you turn these days, there's somebody selling ice cream!
Quick! Quick!
Right. Lift.
GRUNTS OF EXERTION
INAUDIBLE
I hardly know this young lady, but...
should she be wrapped in that gentleman like that?
I'd like to introduce you to Lieutenant Commander Willoughby
Retired.
Well, I... I must say it doesn't show.
Now, how much was it? £10?
£20.
Thirty?!
You paid that much for a map?! No wonder you stayed a corporal!
Did you notice I never saluted him?
Eh-up, that'll teach 'im(!)
I liked him.
Couldn't afford him, but I liked him.
Subtitles by Kathy Jenkins BBC - 1995